The Confusion of Oblivion & Being

Sometimes I’m an idealist; life is beautiful and bright, all is mind and everything can be done. Sometimes I’m the cynic; life is ugly and dark, all is senseless and nothing matters.

My life has been a battle between these two. I pray to Fuck that the cynic doesn’t win. I don’t want nihilism to be my life’s lesson, though I guess we don’t really get to choose what lessons life teaches us, do we? We only get to choose whether we pay attention tot hem or not, whether we learn from them or not. And we get choose how to use the knowledge they give us.

So even if the cynic wins, I can use that message in a positive way. Mostly, I’m just tired of the war. I’m tired of that rug always being ripped out from under me, preventing me from presenting something consistent for others. I’m still looking for my life’s work, something I can stand behind no matter what.

Off the battlefield, there’s something else going on. If I bring impermanence to mind, and then pay attention to how everything comes and goes in this moment, I can lose myself in that flow. In that moment, the cynic and and idealist both disappear. They were just empty names, like tits and dicks seen in an inkblot.

But it’s so tough to sustain that mindset, and it’s so easy to forget the lay of the land. It takes vigilant diligence. 24 hours of mindfulness of change. One moment of forgetfulness, and the cynic and idealist stand back up and take their places on the board.

I know I’m tired of fear. Tired of anger and longing and sadness. In the ocean of change, all of that seems to fade as I return to this moment, this truth. The here and now. Is that my life’s work?

“That’s a pretty pathetic life’s work, if ya ask me,” the cynic quips. “It’s all relative,” the idealist retorts. My heads full of stupid thoughts. Thoughts are tools: if you don’t use them, then they’ll use you. Like a hammer missing the nail and finding your finger.

It’s time for me to pick myself up and take my place in my own mind. To toss aside childish stories like meaning and meaninglessness and embrace things as they are: constantly changing, and wholly co-dependent. Letting it all blend together, basic presence remains. There’s nothing to hate, want, or fear. The world turns in brisk silence, and shines with fragile light.

That’s all for now. Back to the day’s duties.

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