Today’s an anniversary for me.
It’s now been seven years since I’ve been in a relationship. Seven Years! Can you imagine? Am I sad? Sometimes, sure, I’ve endured my fair share of yearning and loneliness. I’m an eccentric loner, but I want to love and be loved just like anyone else.
I often think that my life would’ve been totally different with more romance in it, but there’s little point in contemplating such things too much.
I’ve never been a big hit with the ladies. Younger, I had no confidence and stupid looking bangs. Now, I’m more confident—my Pendall genes are finally kicking in more—but I’m isolated, and it still takes a few months knowing someone for me to spark. By then, well I’ve been friend-zoned.
At 32 and too blind to drive, I’ve accepted the possibility of being by myself indefinitely. I’m certainly not gonna scour the earth on foot begging women to love me.
Why write about any of this? I mean, who does that? Because I’m a writer, your complimentary sacrificial poet. I’m here to die and be reborn on the page, over and over again. Everything inside is outside, I can’t keep any of it. Introspection, honesty, and public displays of humanity hone the craft.
The only thing I ever hold onto are the experiences I’ve had with others, which is unfortunate, since other people have been the most noteworthy part of my life. I’m greedy with those stories, I save and cherish them. Forever.
So, as I sit here on this day, I ponder love/pain and roam through my memories like a tourist. These loves are everything to me. With each one, I came alive and learned something new about me, people, and life in general.
But I don’t need everything, just me. To survive, I’ve had to learn to just need me. As Lennon sang in another song, “I just had to let it go.” I can’t rely on anything or anyone else. The world has unsteady hands, gives and takes in a flash. The only thing it can’t take without leaving me empty-handed is me.
My bitterness is gone, I love that people have love in their lives. That they have someone by their side that they can share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with. That they have someone who adores them and listens, and that they brighten the world with a little laughter and music.
I begrudge the world nothing, and I’m owed nothing. Whether swimming in love that can fold hearts into an untouchable private world for two, or out here on the edge of the Solar System looking in, I’m alright. I always have the sky. Much love to you all. Stay classy, San Diego.